


Not in This Lifetime.

by Hollerfield_Osterland



Series: We'll be a Fine Line [1]
Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:47:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27774805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hollerfield_Osterland/pseuds/Hollerfield_Osterland
Summary: Angst
Relationships: Tom Holland/Harrison Osterfield
Series: We'll be a Fine Line [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2087361
Comments: 18
Kudos: 8





	Not in This Lifetime.

Maybe in another life. 

It was never meant to go like this. I was never meant to fall for him this way. He was my best mate, and still is, but now it’s different. All of it. He avoids me and it’s almost like we hardly know each other anymore. 

He’s never home, and when he is I’m always out so it’s not even like we live together anymore. I find myself spending more and more time writing. Writing anything and everything, and here I sit as scribbling away as a video of us plays in front of me on my new phone. 

I’m beginning to question why I even bought a new phone. He convinced me and now he’s hardly even around. It was ok to start with, he had a reason to be away, first it was Berlin, and then Spain and then Atlanta and everything changed when he came home. We’d finally just bought the house for the two of us and suddenly he was out. All the time. 

Spending time with her. 

She’s beautiful, she really is. I can give that to her. She smiles so brightly and the smile she puts on his face is indescribable. All while I sit here wishing I could be the one putting that illuminating smile on his perfect face. She takes him out shopping, and he takes her golfing. He use to golf with me. 

It would be me, him and Harry. We’d all watch as he did his impressive spin as he swung his club. His pants hugging his legs a bit too tightly for me to stay concentrated. I’d always get better scores than him and he’d push me to the ground attacking me with tickles threatening to come into my bed at night and ruin my nights sleep, if I didn’t let him win. He knew I needed a lot of sleep and I’d giggle like a little girl. He knew so many things about me and yet I feel like we’re strangers living on the same street. It's not even like management could stop us again, because he's far too big for him to drop suddenly all because he's dating a boy.

Before he was hers, he was mine. I loved him first but he never saw it. I thought maybe we could give this... no us.... one more chance. Then again he could never love me in the way that I loved him. 

________

Through my sorrow and my disbelief I came to write a new piece. My journal was almost filled with all my stories of love, loss and longing. Most of them are recreations of moments I’ve had with him. Just someway to get my feelings out. How much I wanted him to see me the way I see him. 

_I sit there looking into his golden brown eyes. He smiles back at me._

_“Penny for your thoughts?” He mumbles as he takes his cup of tea and takes a sip”_

_“Have you ever been in love Tom” I ask._

_“What a silly question Haz.” He begins and I almost flinch at the use of my nickname._

_“Of course I’ve been in love” he continues._

_“But have you ever been in love with someone, who could never you love back?” I urge._

_“Getting all deep here aren’t ya Haz” he teases and when he realises I’m being serious, he chuckles further. “No I haven’t”_

_Of course he hasn’t. He has her, and she loves him so much. More than anyone could, but I still feel as though I could give him more. Deep down I know I could never give him more. She’s what he deserves, and at the end of the day I’m a complete failure compared to her._

_“What about you?” He asks, pulling me from my drowning thoughts of negativity._

_“Yes” I whisper, and he puts his tea down, all his attention on me now._

_“Go on. Who’s this lucky girl you want to bad.” he urges me this time. And it stings. It hurts so bad I can barely breath._

_Girl._

_I want to tell him it’s not a girl. He KNOWS I'm not into girls. Why? Because he walked in on me one time, and then didn't speak to me for the next week. I don't understand!! I just don't, I have to put up with him having a stupid girlfriend, and he walks in on me with a guy one time and doesn't speak to me? But then, if I said anything to him now and corrected his pronouns, he’ll look at me with horror and disgust and I just can’t bare that. Not now, not ever._

_“Well, there’s not really much I can say is there. There’s someone I want who will never want me back” I mumble._

_“Maybe you should tell them, use your words and your voice.” He encourages._

_Easy for you to say, I think. He’s an actor with a 40 million fanbase, of course he’s going to say those things._

_“It's not that easy” I chuckle, and he half heartedly laughs back, clearly not believing me._

_____________

My writing never makes sense to anyone but me, and maybe him. I lay on my bed just thinking, and wondering what it would be like if he was mine. Mine and only mine. How I’d pull him close to me and breath words of love into his ear. Pressing kisses to his forehead and listening to him breath gently as he slept on my chest. I’d run a hand through his hair and he’d smile in his sleep, knowing I was there for him.

“Harrison” he calls, as he walks in. 

“Yes?” I answer as I walk through. This is the first time we’ve spoken in about 4 months and my heart squeezes bracing myself for what he might say. 

“I need to talk to you. I need your approval of course, you’re my best mate.” He says and I force a smile onto my face. 

“Tom what could you possibly need my approval for. We haven’t had a fun conversation in 4 months and now you’re asking for my approval on something” I reply and he looks a little taken aback. 

“W-well” he stutters. “I’ve been busy and so he have you” he states and I nod not bothering to try and argue. I hate it when he shouts, and I always end up crying in front of him like a total loser, so why embarrass myself by starting an argument. 

“Alright what is it” I sigh, giving. 

“I’m going to propose to her” he says excitedly, and my heart drops. My body language can probably tell him that something's wrong and the vague look that has suddenly clouded my eyes should tell him too, but this new Tom, doesn’t really care. He's too caught up in his own life to worry. Instead he rants on about which rings she likes and how she wants his name engraved his hers and her name engraved on his. All I do is nod along, and then he stops. Maybe he’s going to acknowledge my upset looks. Instead he gets a little annoyed at me. 

“You’re not even listening” he grumbles. “What are you doing?” He snaps. 

“Sorry” I quickly mumble, but he’s annoyed now. 

“Sorry?” He spits. “Maybe I’ll ask someone else to help me choose.” He sneers. 

I’m not really listening. I suddenly feel hot and then really cold and I know I have to address my uncertainties now, or I’ll drown in them later. 

“Do you really love her Tom?” I ask and he spins around. 

“Where is this shit coming from?” He says, the anger in his once cheery chocolate eyes burning through me like fire. 

“I’m just asking” I say, and although I’m so much taller than he is, I suddenly feel very small. 

“Of course I love her!” He yells as me, but I can hear the hesitation in his voice. 

“But…but what about us” I say a little too quickly, and I can already see him softening a little. 

“What about us Hazza?” He asks. 

“Do you love me?” I ask. 

“Of course I love you, you’re my best mate. I could never love anyone as much as you… you’re like a brother to me” he says and that’s basically it for me. 

“What about before you had her” I shout, and he flinches.

“God dammit Harrison. What on earth are you talking about” he shouts back.

“I don’t want you to love me” I shout.

He stops for a moment and looks at me. 

“Why not?” He whispers, his voice shaking. 

“I don’t want you to love me like a brother. I want you to love me like you love her. I want you to hold me in your arms and kiss me like you kiss her, and I want you to be mine, Tom. Mine” I say and he brings back that angry look again. 

“Are you out of your mind. What have you been drinking?” He yells. 

“Water” I reply, not knowing what else to say. 

He stands there for a while. Taking in everything I’ve said. 

“I could never love you like that. We can never go back to what we had, you ruined everything.” he whispers, and it doesn’t matter anymore, because if my uncertainties don’t drown me, then this brunette will be the death of me. He gets up and goes to the stairs to make his way to his room. 

“I ruined everything? No Thomas you left me. Don’t leave me again Tom. Please don’t I can’t bear it. The silence. The loss. The pain. I can’t take it all. I love you. You know I do, and I know if you search for it, you’ll find that same little 16 year old that made me fall in love with you in the first place. I know that little 16 year old loved me as much as I love you now. When I first became your assistant, we had something Tom. A connection.” And just like that I’ve spilled it all out. 

He stands frozen, motionless and dysfunctional on the stairs. 

“And Tom, if that’s not enough I love you. I love you so much, and I want you so bad” I confess and his eyes widen. 

“And I love Nadia.”

_________

He’s gone after that. And as I hear him slam his door, I collapse to the ground and erupt into a fit of tears and sobs. 

I’m drowning now. 

In him. 

In my tears. 

In the longing for him. 

In everything I’ve ever wanted and needed. 

I’m drowning. 

Violent shudders and sobs shake my body until I have no tears left to shed, and no energy left to try and shed the tears. 

The worst part is, I know he loved me too. I know it. There was a time where he’d look at me with those gorgeous rich brown eyes of his, smile at me and wrap his arms around me like there was no one else in this world. Just him and I. 

There will never be a world where I can be happy with him, and maybe I need to accept that. 

__________

“H-harry” I cry. 

“Haz? Hazza!” He says quickly, realising I’m crying. “Harrison, are you crying?” He asks even though he already knows. 

“Can I come over?” I manage. 

“Yea, yes, yea. Come over Haz” he says and I breath a little sigh of relief. I go up to my room as quietly as I can, but he sees me. It doesn’t matter anyway, because he shuts the door when he sees me. 

I almost just collapse and start to cry again, but I hold myself together a little longer and grab a bag and some clothes’ and then Tom comes out. 

“Don’t bother” he snarls. I ignore him and continue packing. 

“I’m leaving Harrison” he shouts, to grab my attention. He pulls me up by the shoulder. 

“I’m leaving.” He says but he holds my eye contacts longer this time and I can’t help but let tears fall from my eyes one more. 

_________

Harry ends up coming around and he stays with me. He doesn’t do much, except cook and put all the alcohol away, and out of my reach. I end up going to bed and all I can hear in my ears as I go to sleep is his voice, screaming at me. 

“I could never love you like that” 

“I love Nadia” 

I cry myself to sleep that night, and the next and the next and the next. 

He comes home after four nights and gives me the cold shoulder. I stay in my room, except for coming out to cook and leave his portion for him, before retreating to my room again. 

Embarrassment, guilt, worry, and anger fills inside of me when he brings HER around. I open the door to see her standing there, a box of something I presume is chocolates and flowers. Flowers for him?? 

Isn’t he supposed to give her flowers!? 

“Hi Nadia” I mumble, before making way and letting her through. 

Tom smirks when he sees her, and the looks he was giving me a minute ago disappear. 

He kisses her and she giggles as he pulls away. 

“I’ve just finished cooking” he says to her and he looks over at me… on purpose. 

I sigh. Nope. I was the one who had just finished cooking… for him. Of course I didn’t think he would’ve invited her around. 

I leave. 

________

And then miraculously things go back to a certain level of normality. He comes home more often and he hugs me goodbye again. He stops calling me “bro” all the time and he sits down to eat with me and I have a feeling he feels bad for me, and those horrible thoughts come creepy back to me. Filling my gut. 

“He’s only being nice because he feels bad for me” 

A look of worry passes over his face as he looks at me, wallowing away in my own pain. 

“Are you ok?” he asks. 

I nod and offer a small, unconvincing smile. 

“You’re not. I can tell.” He replies and he gets up, coming over to me. 

“I-i I’m not sure” and I’m not lying, I’m really not sure. 

He moves my hands from my lap and places himself there instead, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling himself closer to me. My arms, naturally make my way to his waste where I support him sitting on me. He looks into my eyes and suddenly he’s looking at my lips. His ones are always redder then they should be, considering he’s constantly biting his lip. He smiles gently, putting his hand to my forehead and moving my hair from my face and I’m frozen. 

Frozen in time, as he runs a hand through my hair. 

“T-tom” I whimper, and he shushes me… by pressing his lips to mine. 

And he’s kissing me. I’ve wanted this for so long and yet it feels wrong in everyday possible. 

“Tom… Tom? Are you sure you want this?” I whisper. 

“I don’t just go around kissing just about everyone. Do I hazza?” He whispers back. I stand up, dinner forgotten and he wraps his legs around me as I carry him to my room. His lips not leaving mine. 

__________It would be an overstatement to say we had sex.

I spooned him and he fell asleep. This continues for longer than I thought it would. Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. We… I poured all our… no my passion, pain and longing into our kisses and our nights spent together where we became one. Where I put myself inside him and there was no turning back. 

Good things never last do they.

I love him, and now I think he loves me. Well I thought he loved me, until I woke up to an empty bed. The left side cold too, which tells me he’s been gone for a while. 

Then I see it. 

When I open my phone. 

She’s there, and she’s holding her hand in front of the camera, a huge sapphire stone the colour of my eyes atop a ring. Unfortunately her hand isn’t big enough to cover her evidently kissing him in the back. I can feel the tears bubbling from inside me _even_ before I check the comments and see what he’s written. 

“It’s always been you baby. I’ll never love anyone else the way I love you, because no one will ever brighten a room as much as you do” 

It’s over. 

___________

“Harrison she said yes” Tom squealed as he ran into the room. 

Harrison didn’t answer. 

“I’m assuming you want me to be your best man?” I ask, and Tom nods, moving forward to give me a hug. I step back. 

“Haz?” He asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“No Tom, don’t Haz me! What am I to you? Your best man? What was I to you during those nights of love together? A quick fix?” I yell, and he stands there a little dumb struck. 

“It didn’t mean anything to me” he confesses. 

“Well it meant something to me, and you know it. You knew what it meant to me, you knew how much I wanted you and what? Did you use me for your own pleasure?” I shout, and he steps back, putting his hands into the air as if to surrender, but he’s going to have to do more than surrender to get me to calm down. 

“Actually..” I stop my sentence and trail off. 

“Actually what?” He asks, and I look away.

“Actually, maybe you don’t know how much it meant to me. You’ll never understand how much I love you will you, because your hearts all twisted up around her little finger. She doesn’t know about this does she. She doesn’t know you used me while you were with her. And she’ll never know will she. Because “you love Nadia” I snap, repeating his words, and he flinches. 

“She’ll never know you used you best friend while she was loving you so much. You don’t deserve her. Not after what you’ve done to her… and me” I yell, and he’s crying now, and as usual I cannot help feel sorry for him. 

“Y-you would never… right?” He cries. 

“What! Tell her you had sex with me a few times. Nope never!” I scoff sarcastically. “I’m ashamed I let you in like this. I love you and you know that, you also know that I can’t resist a thing you do to me, so why Tom? WHY?!!” I scream, and he falls to the ground. 

I leave him a while, for him to weep and sob, and feel fucking sorry for himself, while his new Fiancé is out there feeling happier than she ever has, not knowing her boyfriend cheated on her, and the boy he cheated on her with, is in a worse fucking state than he will ever be in. 

“Oh and yea, I’ll be your best man” I say, and I slam the back door, leaving. 

__________

_”I’m glad I got this opportunity to speak today, because there’s so many things I’d like to say to you all. I’ve known Tom since he was 16, fighting his way into the acting career, and look where he is now.” One of the most famous actors our world will ever have.” I smile a little, and force myself to swallow the lump of sobs threatening to escape my throat._

_“I’ve always loved Tom…like a brother and he knows that. When he first brought Nadia home for me to meet, I didn’t know what to expect. She was gorgeous… and she still is of course but I was so surprised at how he’d managed to find such a sweet, caring yet incredibly beautiful girl. As long as you take care of… my bro, I’ll happily look after your mental Holland babies when you want to go out. Although I do have one request. Please don’t change your name to “Holland”, “Nadia Parkes” has such a nice ring to it.” I say causing her to smile and giggle at me. I look to Tom and he looks distant, looking straight through me._

_“There’s nothing nicer than to see your… best mate happy with the girl of his dreams. I do hope you don’t fuck this one up Tom. Because you’ve found a wonderful girl. Let’s hope you are sane enough to know, how to say no to some things sometimes.” Everyone looks a little confused at my last sentence, but THOMAS knows exactly what I mean,_

_He breaks his trance and looks at me, suddenly looking a little nervous._

_“I’ll pass a little message to the not only the bride and groom but to everyone out there. I want to ask anyone out there, if you’ve ever experienced unrequited love. Obviously this is a rhetorical question, so don’t shout your answers. Unrequited love is a horrible thing, it’s like you’re drowning, but you just won’t fucking die. I have to say, I’ve never experienced this before so I’m speaking from untrustworthy websites online. I’ve never had anyone play with my feelings before, and I’ve never had someone know I was in love with them, take advantage of that and leave me. Luckily….. anyway. Here’s a quote, I think you should all carry with you._

_Love never dies, it’s only beaten down to a secret place, where is hides, beaten and wounded._

_I want to say is sometimes you should think, before you speak or take action. Using someone is a good example of what you shouldn’t do in a situation of “unrequited love.”_

_“I don’t really have else much to say today, except to wish the bride and groom a wonderful life ahead.”_

__________

My diaries been left out, and I go to grab is before noticing it’s been touched. Tom’s moving out, so maybe it got moved by mistake. I take it from the kitchen bench, before realising there’s a pen inside it. It drops out, even though I haven’t even been writing in it recently. I open it and I see his handwriting. His perfect cursive handwriting. He’s seen everything I’ve written, my speech included. My actual speech, 

_”I’m glad I got this opportunity to speak today, because there’s so many things I’d like to say to you all. I’ve known Tom since he was 16, fighting his way into the acting career, and look where he is now. I’ve loved you since I first set eyes on you… Tom.”_

_“I’ve always loved Tom… not I like a brother would, but far more than that, and he knows that. When he first brought Nadia home for me to meet, I didn’t know what to expect. I went back to my room and cried. She was gorgeous… and she still is of course but I was so surprised that I’d stayed around even though Tom had found such a sweet, caring yet incredibly beautiful girl. As long as you take care of the love of my life, I’ll happily look after your mental Holland babies when you want to go out. Although I do have one request. Please don’t change your name to “Holland”, because I wouldn’t be able to bare you having his last name.”_

_“There’s really nothing worse than to see the love of your life, happy with the girl of his dreams. If you fuck this up I’ll always be waiting, because no matter how much you hurt me I’ll always be waiting. Let’s hope you are sane enough to know, how to say no to some things sometimes, and hopefully you’ll never use anyone else the way you did me.”_

_“I’ll pass a little message to the not only the bride and groom but to everyone out there. I want to ask anyone out there, if you’ve ever experienced unrequited love. Obviously this is a rhetorical question, so don’t shout your answers. Unrequited love is a horrible thing, it’s like you’re drowning, but you just won’t fucking die. I have to say, I’ve experienced this before so I’m NOT speaking from untrustworthy websites online. I’ve had someone play with my feelings before, and I’ve had someone know I was in love with them, take advantage of that and leave me. That was you Tom, you did those things to me. Here’s a quote, I think you should all carry with you, mostly just for you Tom, so I can show you how I feel._

_"Love never dies, it’s only beaten down to a secret place, where is hides, beaten and wounded. That's how I feel, every single time you kisses her."_

_I want to say... sometimes you should think, before you speak or take action. Using someone is a good example of what you shouldn’t do in a situation of “unrequited love.” I loved you first Tom, before her, before anyone. It was me.”_

_“I don’t really have else much to say today, except that I’ll forever be yours”_

Obviously I couldn’t say this at his wedding. And then there was his writing. 

_What do I owe to you  
Who loved me deep and long?  
You never gave my spirit wings  
Or gave my heart a song.  
But oh, to him I loved,  
Who loved me not at all,  
I owe the open gate  
That led through heaven’s wall._

_I love you too, always have always will. But we’ll never work, you and I at least... Not in this lifetime. The night changes much too fast for us Haz. I do love you, though. So much, more than I'll ever love her, and I can't accept that. You don't know how hard it it for me to accept that I love my best friend, not "the girl of me dreams" but it will never work. Goodbye for now, and I promise when I see you again where we can be free, I’ll kiss you senseless, because;_

_I._

_owe._

_you._

_Everything._

__

I close the book and put it to the side, tears falling once again. Maybe I should end all of this now, take one last breath and hope for my pain to end. Then again maybe there are some things worth living for. Those times we spent together when we were 16, maybe I'll find someone else. But for know I'll sit here knowing;

__

_"He owed me everything"_


End file.
